Knowing when it's time to break free
That time I wore Spanx, waking up to suffering + making space for growth
It was 2004, my first year at University. I was wearing a cute little back dress I bought especially for the fresher’s ball.
It was slim fitting with a low-scooped back that clings in all the right places - or wrong ones, depending on how you feel about your body.
I wasn’t feeling great about mine, I’m not sure I ever really had.
So, underneath that black dress, I squeezed and squished all of the parts of me that felt too big, too soft or too lumpy into my first pair of extra-tight Spanx.
I don’t recall when the insecurity began. I just recall being acutely aware of whether or not my belly looked flat.
My typical habit was to just suck it in as I had done for many years; Pulling my belly button in so my belly wouldn’t spill over my jeans.
I had created this story that my worth and desirability as a woman hinged heavily on my ability to match up to the socially and culturally revered bodies that adorned the covers of magazines; A story that may feel very familiar to you, too.
I can recall countless meals out where I sat in excruciating pain to ’hold myself in’. Rather than going home, or simply relaxing my belly, I pushed through by telling myself it was part of the ‘deal’ of being a woman.
I now know how decades of this habit perpetuated all kinds of dysfunction in my body, especially with breathing, but at the time I wanted to look extra slim and sexy in my dress.
And at the fresher’s ball, I looked hot! In my opinion.
What was less hot was my boyfriend walking me home early after finding me in the bathroom doubled over with extreme nausea and sickness from literally squeezing my body into a shape that was squashing my organs and restricting my ability to breathe.
Metaphorically, this is what so many of us do every day. Some of us, literally.
We squeeze and suppress all of the parts of ourselves we want to dismiss and teach ourselves to resign to our own suffering.
Then whether because of sickness, disease, stress or just nausea from the experience of our own self-imposed smallness, we have no choice but to wake up or continue on a long path of suffering.
Allow space for your own expansion
Just as I had created this self-imposed construct around physical appearance, we all create our own versions to help us feel safe, powerful and secure.
We establish constructs in how we identify ourselves, set boundaries, adhere to our values and create communities.
These constructs can, if we’re not careful, manifest as constraints.
Over time these constraints can tighten as the you within seeks to expand.
Like a growing house plant, its energy can be so powerful that it breaks out of its pot, or it becomes root-bound and starved of the nutrients it needs to flourish.
This is what can happen to us if we don’t bring awareness to the ways in which our constructs become our constraints.
Once we become aware and recognise how we keep ourselves from growing, it can feel like a moment of bright awakening or utter anguish and pain at the realisation of how we’ve contributed to the cycle of suffering. Or both.
Of course, there is a whole spectrum in between. I recently shared a post on Instagram about the latter.
The beauty of both is that they can become a catalyst for radical change.
Becoming more aware is a beautiful thing.
Whether you’re shaken into awareness or gently stirred, can you see the moment as an opportunity to break free from the constraints that bind you and keep you small?
Imagine yourself as your favourite plant, maybe a bird of paradise or a monstera, and every time you feel your roots pressing against the edges of your constructs, find yourself a more spacious pot to grow into.
The deeper the roots the stronger the tree.
Want to know what happened to those Spanx? I never wore them again. The funny thing is, I still have them. Perhaps a part of me still holds onto my story. Perhaps, another part wants to remember the pain.
Before you head off, try this one thing now.
Relax your belly. Let it expand, fill and open.
Remind yourself often, to let yourself breathe.
Until next time. Let's live, one breath at a time.
Farah x
Goodness, I can relate. Literally and figuratively I have a pair of Spanx that are at the bottom of the drawer and that, after reading this today, will finally see the daylight on the way into the trash can. 🙃