The world's most revealing question (possibly)
Sausage dog analogies + choosing vulnerability + getting to the root
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This incredible thing happens when we become more aware of ourselves.
We start to notice that so much of our suffering and so many of our symptoms trace back to one or a handful of root causes.
When we realise this, we spend less time throwing spaghetti on the wall trying to figure out how to fix, solve and heal our myriad challenges and can instead focus on the one or two things that could make the greatest overall holistic impact on our health and well-being.
When I met my husband, I was quickly initiated into this really annoying thing that lots of other life coaches do too. Whenever we got into deep conversations about life he'd keep asking questions. One after the next, they kept on rolling in. Like my best friend's sausage dog digs at blankets, he kept digging.
He'd ask a question.
I'd answer.
He'd ask another question in response to my answer.
I'd answer.
I know this sounds like the makings of a great two-way conversation, but back then, before I knew what I know now, trust me, it didn't feel like it! It felt more like a one-way ticket to ugly crying.
You know those scenes in movies where a character gets put in the spotlight and the rest of the screen slowly fades to black? It felt like that! In a terrifying way.
First, let me be clear, having these conversations was ABSOLUTELY my choice!
And I had choices on what direction I wanted the conversation to take.
Choice #1
Ride the wave of the questioning and be willing to get metaphorically naked, face my feelings, sit with my shame and be vulnerable. I could choose to feel the fear that being seen as the real me would be so grossly off-putting and speak anyway.
Or, Choice #2
Clam up, get defensive, become avoidant and dismiss the questions; Inevitably leaving me feeling worse and more disconnected from myself and from him, albeit mildly relieved at not revealing my deepest, darkest shadows.
Which option would you take?
Last week we had one of those conversations.
"I'm stuck and I'd like your opinion". I asked confidently. As if I thought he'd give me just an opinion. Lol.
"Go ahead" he replied.
I proceeded to ask for his thoughts on whether I should invest some significant money in equipment I believed would improve the quality of my work.
"Why? Why does it matter?" he nonchalantly asked.
"Why does it matter?" I responded indignantly.
"Well..." I launched into all the reasons why it was important for me to have the equipment for my business. In essence, I said:
“Because without producing high-quality content I wouldn't be as successful. Obviously!
BOOM. The sausage dog had caught a whiff of a bone!
The Why? questions that followed and the Why? questions that followed that, dug deep into my psyche revealing that my question had nothing to do with the equipment and EVERYTHING to do with how much I believed in the value of what I have to share with the world.
I was brought face to face with the real question; Whether or not I believe I have to show up and be seen a certain way for others to value my work. Or me!
Digging deeper...why do I rely on others to validate my worth?
And deeper still...do I believe in my own worth?
(Roll on ugly cries)
Because I'm used to these conversations there weren't actually any tears this time. However, I did block this story from my conscious mind and had to ask him today to recall it. The topic of mental blocking is one for another day.
So where am I going with this story?
There is unquestionable power in the question, Why?
There is a method called the Five Whys which is sometimes described as an interrogative problem-solving technique.
I can certainly relate to the interrogation part! There's a fine line between invitational and interrogative questions and that fine line is my perception. My learned instinct is to be defensive...I'm working on it.
This method is sometimes also called the Root-cause Analysis Technique. It sounds a bit clinical yet slightly less intrusive.
I call it the Five Whys.
Over the past year, I've loosely woven a variation of this technique into my teaching work and the results in my self-coaching practice have been profound.
Some schools of thought ask Why? to the same question 5 times over. I like to ask Why? to the answer that comes up from the previous question. Like my partner, the sausage dog, I find it opens up so many other pathways that allow us to flow off the linear path.
Because so rarely is the root and the symptom so obviously connected by a straight line.
Want to know why the Five Whys can be hugely revealing, in a good way?
1. Asking successive whys is an opportunity to dig deeper towards the root cause - to go where your inner sausage dog has never gone before.
2. Why? is a powerful question. And if the word why makes you defensive, perhaps that’s something to ask yourself, why?
3. Spend time with any young child and you'll soon be reminded of why, Why? is a potent question for learning and attaining knowledge.
4. Why? invites curiosity. Curiosity deepens awareness.
5. Continually questioning your own stories can help to debunk those stories and offer more clarity.
This week, try the Five Whys on yourself or a willing partner and see what you discover!
You might find that inviting more curiosity into your challenging experiences, whether that's honking at another driver or getting angry with someone about their behaviour, can help you to gain a deeper understanding of what's really behind your emotional reactions.
Because, if your challenge includes another person, it's never about them, and always about you.
If these words stirred something in you, or you want to play with the Five Whys, let’s chat in the comments.
Until next time. Let's live, one breath at a time.
Farah x
Oof this struck a chord! Found myself getting triggered by rude people a lot lately but then wondering if it’s because I almost envy their directness whilst I hide under people pleasing
I'm always great at throwing the Whys at others, great suggestion to point it my own way!